When Another Word-filled Paper Comes

His apology came in a letter-sized bond paper, typewritten, as handed to me by an unfamiliar hand. There was nothing fancy about it—in comparison to the many pages of parchment paper I’ve read through tens of times before finally throwing them into a black garbage bag. To be honest, I was afraid of what it might come across to me this time. I hope my apprehensiveness did not show as I took hold of the blindingly white paper, and smiled almost lopsidedly at the stranger, his messenger, in front of me.

Of course it began with my name—and at that very moment I realized that I do not want him calling me that anymore—and the dreaded comma; an early warning that a vomit of words was sure to follow. Here goes, I thought.

By now I’m too familiar with his writing style: disclaimer, introduction, all-about-him paragraph, point, point, point, hopes and prayers, reiteration-slash-reassurance (that, frankly, sounds more for someone else—him?—than for me), take-care conclusion, “brotherly” closing line, his name.

What surprised me was that I couldn’t feel any concrete emotions while, and even after, reading the letter. Despite mentally pointing out a few lines in which he sounded “holy” again, I wasn’t irritated. And despite mentally counting the number of sorry’s, I wasn’t moved either. I do know in my heart (or whatever organ is responsible) that I’ve shoved things past me now, so I guess the biggest question I could ask myself is, “Am I practicing forgiveness or plain indifference?”

Some people would define forgiveness as an avenue to rebuild relationships or start anew. What about that? Considering that I only want to act cordial towards him now, minus the will to befriend him again, roughly translates to un-forgiveness of sorts, right? But I don’t want to be that person who remains bitter without even knowing it. Is indifference an end product of not having the heart to forgive and/or forget?

Still, a friend told me one could forgive and be indifferent at the same time. Maybe so. I mean, I read several articles and stories of high profile crimes wherein surviving victims forgive their offenders, but don’t necessarily pull out the case. If it is in this context that I can justify myself, then it is not to say that my being indifferent is a punishment he has to suffer from, but something to point out that forgiveness also understands my human need for security and ability to learn from mistakes.

Whatever.              

To you who is probably the only one weird enough to send what could be personal e-mails through another person, I hope you learn to forgive yourself for anything that you might be feeling sorry about, because to tell you honestly, I think it’s what you need most–to have that peace. I’m reading your letter one last time then onto the trash it goes. I forgive you (even without your apologies), but I’m sticking with indifference this time.