When Another Word-filled Paper Comes
Saturday, April 25, 2009
His apology came in a letter-sized bond paper, typewritten, as handed to me by an unfamiliar hand. There was nothing fancy about it—in comparison to the many pages of parchment paper I’ve read through tens of times before finally throwing them into a black garbage bag. To be honest, I was afraid of what it might come across to me this time. I hope my apprehensiveness did not show as I took hold of the blindingly white paper, and smiled almost lopsidedly at the stranger, his messenger, in front of me.
Of course it began with my name—and at that very moment I realized that I do not want him calling me that anymore—and the dreaded comma; an early warning that a vomit of words was sure to follow. Here goes, I thought.
By now I’m too familiar with his writing style: disclaimer, introduction, all-about-him paragraph, point, point, point, hopes and prayers, reiteration-slash-reassurance (that, frankly, sounds more for someone else—him?—than for me), take-care conclusion, “brotherly” closing line, his name.
What surprised me was that I couldn’t feel any concrete emotions while, and even after, reading the letter. Despite mentally pointing out a few lines in which he sounded “holy” again, I wasn’t irritated. And despite mentally counting the number of sorry’s, I wasn’t moved either. I do know in my heart (or whatever organ is responsible) that I’ve shoved things past me now, so I guess the biggest question I could ask myself is, “Am I practicing forgiveness or plain indifference?”
Some people would define forgiveness as an avenue to rebuild relationships or start anew. What about that? Considering that I only want to act cordial towards him now, minus the will to befriend him again, roughly translates to un-forgiveness of sorts, right? But I don’t want to be that person who remains bitter without even knowing it. Is indifference an end product of not having the heart to forgive and/or forget?
Still, a friend told me one could forgive and be indifferent at the same time. Maybe so. I mean, I read several articles and stories of high profile crimes wherein surviving victims forgive their offenders, but don’t necessarily pull out the case. If it is in this context that I can justify myself, then it is not to say that my being indifferent is a punishment he has to suffer from, but something to point out that forgiveness also understands my human need for security and ability to learn from mistakes.
Whatever.
To you who is probably the only one weird enough to send what could be personal e-mails through another person, I hope you learn to forgive yourself for anything that you might be feeling sorry about, because to tell you honestly, I think it’s what you need most–to have that peace. I’m reading your letter one last time then onto the trash it goes. I forgive you (even without your apologies), but I’m sticking with indifference this time.
and the reason why i’m back is…
Tuesday, April 7, 2009It’s either I’m bored or I’m really bored.
Summer. It’s that one word I so long to dawn upon me come the finals week of the second semester. Now that it’s actually here, I can’t seem to remember what I was excited about in the first place. Or maybe I’m saying this because I am currently stuck in Dumaguete without the slightest bit of idea if I have the time or money to go home after the summer term. Maybe this is just a case of me wanting to do something fun with people from my circle (read: tWS friends who went away, thankyouverymuch). Maybe I’m just missing my parents (and all the perks of having them around). Maybe I’m just not used to having such a long break after a very stressful semester. Maybe I am just feeling that itch to do something I enjoy doing at my own pace. Maybe I’m just feeling some frustration over things I could’ve (or should’ve) done better. Maybe… I am just bored.
But no matter. I just visited the Gender Watch Against Violence and Exploitation (GWAVE) office this afternoon and handed in my volunteer’s application letter. I got an instant interview, too, in my shorts and VDay shirt! Hahaha. They told me to come back after the Holy Week for further instruction on my first volunteer assignment; documentation for their upcoming survivors project. Yay! :]
I am yet to finalize my summer classes sked. At this point, I’m crossing my fingers, hoping to get accommodated in Sir Ian Casocot’s Litt21 class. Mawawala ang essence ng pag-enroll ko ngayong summer term kung hindi. Hahaha.
I guess the boredom and all the negative churvas that go along with it will go away in a few days. In the meantime, I’ll be blogging and updating my Facebook account every so often just to “hang in there.” Aynaku. I am just so bored and it’s that obvious.
